LoveNotes: Part 10

Characteristics of Prospective Spouse
FOR BRIDE:

-Go after religion FIRST
-Religious women CAN be beautiful/don’t go after the stereotype.
-Religiousness does not mean ugly/boring
-There’s a lot of emotional constipation in our community!
-Give your daughter to a person who fears Allah, because if he loves her, he will be good to her, honor her, and even if he doesn’t love her, he will not oppress her.
-A true believer should not dislike his wife
-if you hate one thing, you’ll love another

BE BALANCED
Things Desired for Bride:

1) Deen and Character
2) Fertility
3) She is content/marry someone who’ll say “Alhamdulillah”/doesn’t compare standards
4) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: DON’T set specific standard of beauty
5) Reasonable age difference
6) Inexpensive dowry/simple mahr = good

Things Desired for Groom:

1) Deen
2) Character
3) Evident Disobedience = haram
4) He should DEFINITELY pray

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-Family planning is permissible in Islam
-If 2 very young Muslims want to get married but can’t financially do this then = OK if parents help out but don’t rely on this.
-Everything in marriage found in Qur’an and Sunnah.

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Prospective Spouse:
A. Marrying Relatives

-People think marrying relatives is haram, some think it’s horrible
-You’re allowed to marry your first cousin in 26 states in America
-It’s a cultural matter: no specific recommendation or prohibition
-One of Prophet (s)’s wives = cousin, others not relatives
-Some people think it puts pressure on people if you marry outside the family
-Sometimes people think diseases are more common in relative marriages, but not really true
-Don’t put preconceived notions: put ‘em away!

B. Arranged Marriages

-In Islam, arranged marriages are not haram where family helps out son/daughter to meet people.
-Pre-arranged marriages forcing = haram
-Imam Abu Hanifa: father and grandfather have choice to force if kids before puberty.

FORCING OF MARRIAGE = HARAM according to majority of scholars

Why do people even have arranged marriages?
-Security
-Some don’t want to go out of the way to look for someone
-Some want to bring together different cultures or stay within same one
-Some don’t want wealth/business to go out of the family if they arrange a marriage with a relative

Engagement by Commissioning:

Saying: “I know of so and so, help me find such and such type of person to marry them”
-this is OK with the permission of the people getting married

-Thus, arranged marriages are not promoted or prohibited in the Deen