Wednesday, February 14, 2007

LoveNotes: Part 12

Lowering Your Gaze

-Islamically =prohibited to look directly at opposite gender
-->you should lower your gaze
-If you look at everybody, internet, TV, etc = bad consequences
-Ibn Hazm said: Eyes are the gate to your heart (Ibn Qayyim said similar)

-Marriage contract
-7 and under: you don’t really need to lower gaze
-But kids nowadays = more mature than before

-->lowering gaze more important for men than women (but fard on both)
-Aisha and Prophet (s) watched Abbyssinians cheek to cheek.Prophet (s) asked her, are you done? She said “No”; he asked again later, are you done, she said “yes”
-Aisha said: “wallahi I didn’t do it for the watching, I did it to be near the Prophet (s)”
-->RasulAllah (s) was so spiritual yet so human

Looking at One’s Prospective Bride:

-Mustahhab to see each other/talk to each other/know each other with the presence of the Wali
-This will make marriage last longer
Reason: obviously, to identify physical attraction and emotional/mental attraction

-You’re allowed to see the person once and then propose-not more
-Seek permission of Wali
-Most important condition: have intention of marriage
-How many times can you meet?
-You can meet however many times but you need a wali

Questionable Ways:
-Webcam OK but make sure it’s in the presence of Mahram
-Wali HAS to be there
-casual situations OK
-Celibate marriages allowed
-engagement period = Promise
-temptation= problem for young people: suitable solution when they’re at school
-physical intimacy = later time

Marital Rights

-Most dangerous areas/part of marriage
-Man and woman come with own baggages and preconceived notions
-When people don’t understand rights = big problem
-Sometimes man overlaps his circle and makes wife’s circle of rights small
-Sometimes men’s circle gets small
-Qur’an: men have a degree of authority and responsibility over women
-Allah created people at different levels
-Contract = partnership
-Islamically, woman keeps her identity (keeps her father’s name, etc)
-Advantage of man = degree of responsibility

Are Men and Women Equal?

-It’s a matter of EQUITY not EQUALITY
-“the female is not like the male”
-Allah created men and women in different ways
-Idea of preferences is equal between men and women
-In some areas, men preferred over women; in some areas women preferred over men
-Women well known in linguistic abilities
-women express themselves through words/nicer
-Men express themselves through physical actions; men = more blunt
-When man confronted with troubling argument, he changes subject or says: stop
-Woman cries but comes with new argument
-woman can cry but still talk, LOL
-Man escapes into his cave
-Men and women overall have even scales even if there are different ROLES
-Men and women are equal in humanity and religion
-Rights of education and property/finance
-“The best of you are the best to their families”
-women first given rights in ISLAM
-Why should a man take double the inheritance?
-based on financial responsibility and obligations
-man MUST take care of family
-based on fairness
-Why men given leadership over home?
-someone needs to take leadership
-matter of distributing responsibility
-Kind treatment to women = sunnah of Prophet (s)

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

LoveNotes: Part 11

Why is Dating Haraam?

-Leads to Zina (illegal sexual intercourse; one of the major sins in Islam)
-Allah says in Qur’an: “come not even NEAR to Zina” ; doesn’t say: don’t commit Zina; sets guidelines to not even come close to the sin
-Man and woman are alone and shaitan is the third
-Perfect privacy (khalwa) violated
-People think dating is good because they should know each other before marriage, etc.
-but actually, dating makes their relationship get old.
-Ever wonder why all the Hollywood people get divorced a few months into marriage? They have already been dating for years and years!
-When we say dating is haraam, doesn’t mean we are promoting BLIND Marriages!!! Islam does NOT promote blind marriages; ie. You should KNOW person you are marrying but under HALAL circumstances, in a HALAL environment.

-Woman needs a wali to get married = FARDH (compulsory)
-Wali needs to be over the age of puberty/able to help/good judgment/good knowledge Deen-wise, etc. etc.

-Matrimonial services = OK with the permission of Wali
-Dating industry = huge in the west
-There should be supervision
-Families should come together

Regarding the Engagement Ring:

JOKE: Marriage requires three rings, one of which is obligatory:
-Wedding Ring
-Engagement Ring
-SuffeRing (obligatory, LOL)

-Most scholars say that wedding/engagement rings are imitating the non-believers/customs.
-Wedding ring is haram according to some scholars.
-Even if you do follow opinion that it’s not haram, you should NOT think the ring is something required in the Deen or that you should do it.

Role of the Female Family Members in Marriage:

-Females play major role in marriages culturally
-Human culture: because of disintegration of family members they don’t rely on this process too much anymore
-Many men ask female family members, matrimonial services.

Is it allowed for a man to directly propose to a woman? (Islamically). YES.
(depends on the culture)

Vice versa?

-Islamically OK for woman to propose and select husband too
-Culturally = taboo
-Khadija (ra) proposed to RasulAllah (s)

-Islamically it’s ok for family member to propose on their behalf
(but daughter/son has to agree of course)

-Imam Samarkandee: Tuhfatul Fuqaha: Summarization of Abu Hanifa
-had a beautiful daughter
-religious daughter; memorized book Bada’ee was-samaee
-Sharh Tufatul Fuqaha: Imam Kasani
-Imam Kasani married his daughter
-he loved her so much and passionately
-he was so sad when she died; visited her grave

-Even scholars can love!!!

-It’s allowed in Islam for a woman to propose directly to man
-A woman came directly to the Prophet (s)
-Prophet (s) lowered gaze; didn’t accept; another guy married her
-culturally, this is not acceptable but not haram

LoveNotes: Part 10

Characteristics of Prospective Spouse

-Go after religion FIRST
-Religious women CAN be beautiful/don’t go after the stereotype.
-Religiousness does not mean ugly/boring
-There’s a lot of emotional constipation in our community!
-Give your daughter to a person who fears Allah, because if he loves her, he will be good to her, honor her, and even if he doesn’t love her, he will not oppress her.
-A true believer should not dislike his wife
-if you hate one thing, you’ll love another

Things Desired for Bride:

1) Deen and Character
2) Fertility
3) She is content/marry someone who’ll say “Alhamdulillah”/doesn’t compare standards
4) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: DON’T set specific standard of beauty
5) Reasonable age difference
6) Inexpensive dowry/simple mahr = good

Things Desired for Groom:

1) Deen
2) Character
3) Evident Disobedience = haram
4) He should DEFINITELY pray

-Family planning is permissible in Islam
-If 2 very young Muslims want to get married but can’t financially do this then = OK if parents help out but don’t rely on this.
-Everything in marriage found in Qur’an and Sunnah.


Prospective Spouse:
A. Marrying Relatives

-People think marrying relatives is haram, some think it’s horrible
-You’re allowed to marry your first cousin in 26 states in America
-It’s a cultural matter: no specific recommendation or prohibition
-One of Prophet (s)’s wives = cousin, others not relatives
-Some people think it puts pressure on people if you marry outside the family
-Sometimes people think diseases are more common in relative marriages, but not really true
-Don’t put preconceived notions: put ‘em away!

B. Arranged Marriages

-In Islam, arranged marriages are not haram where family helps out son/daughter to meet people.
-Pre-arranged marriages forcing = haram
-Imam Abu Hanifa: father and grandfather have choice to force if kids before puberty.

FORCING OF MARRIAGE = HARAM according to majority of scholars

Why do people even have arranged marriages?
-Some don’t want to go out of the way to look for someone
-Some want to bring together different cultures or stay within same one
-Some don’t want wealth/business to go out of the family if they arrange a marriage with a relative

Engagement by Commissioning:

Saying: “I know of so and so, help me find such and such type of person to marry them”
-this is OK with the permission of the people getting married

-Thus, arranged marriages are not promoted or prohibited in the Deen