LoveNotes: Part 12

Lowering Your Gaze

-Islamically =prohibited to look directly at opposite gender
-->you should lower your gaze
-If you look at everybody, internet, TV, etc = bad consequences
-Ibn Hazm said: Eyes are the gate to your heart (Ibn Qayyim said similar)

Exemptions:
-Court
-Marriage contract
-7 and under: you don’t really need to lower gaze
-But kids nowadays = more mature than before

-->lowering gaze more important for men than women (but fard on both)
-Aisha and Prophet (s) watched Abbyssinians cheek to cheek.Prophet (s) asked her, are you done? She said “No”; he asked again later, are you done, she said “yes”
-Aisha said: “wallahi I didn’t do it for the watching, I did it to be near the Prophet (s)”
-->RasulAllah (s) was so spiritual yet so human

Looking at One’s Prospective Bride:

-Mustahhab to see each other/talk to each other/know each other with the presence of the Wali
-This will make marriage last longer
Reason: obviously, to identify physical attraction and emotional/mental attraction

Conditions?
-You’re allowed to see the person once and then propose-not more
-Seek permission of Wali
-Most important condition: have intention of marriage
-How many times can you meet?
-You can meet however many times but you need a wali

Questionable Ways:
-Webcam OK but make sure it’s in the presence of Mahram
-Wali HAS to be there
-casual situations OK
-Celibate marriages allowed
-engagement period = Promise
-temptation= problem for young people: suitable solution when they’re at school
-physical intimacy = later time

Marital Rights

-Most dangerous areas/part of marriage
-Man and woman come with own baggages and preconceived notions
-When people don’t understand rights = big problem
-Sometimes man overlaps his circle and makes wife’s circle of rights small
-Sometimes men’s circle gets small
-Qur’an: men have a degree of authority and responsibility over women
-Allah created people at different levels
-Contract = partnership
-Islamically, woman keeps her identity (keeps her father’s name, etc)
-Advantage of man = degree of responsibility

Are Men and Women Equal?

-It’s a matter of EQUITY not EQUALITY
-“the female is not like the male”
-Allah created men and women in different ways
-Idea of preferences is equal between men and women
-In some areas, men preferred over women; in some areas women preferred over men
-Women well known in linguistic abilities
-women express themselves through words/nicer
-Men express themselves through physical actions; men = more blunt
-When man confronted with troubling argument, he changes subject or says: stop
-Woman cries but comes with new argument
-woman can cry but still talk, LOL
-Man escapes into his cave
-Men and women overall have even scales even if there are different ROLES
-Men and women are equal in humanity and religion
-Rights of education and property/finance
-“The best of you are the best to their families”
-women first given rights in ISLAM
-Why should a man take double the inheritance?
-based on financial responsibility and obligations
-man MUST take care of family
-based on fairness
-Why men given leadership over home?
-someone needs to take leadership
-matter of distributing responsibility
-Kind treatment to women = sunnah of Prophet (s)

LoveNotes: Part 11

Why is Dating Haraam?

-Leads to Zina (illegal sexual intercourse; one of the major sins in Islam)
-Allah says in Qur’an: “come not even NEAR to Zina” ; doesn’t say: don’t commit Zina; sets guidelines to not even come close to the sin
-Man and woman are alone and shaitan is the third
-Perfect privacy (khalwa) violated
-People think dating is good because they should know each other before marriage, etc.
-but actually, dating makes their relationship get old.
-Ever wonder why all the Hollywood people get divorced a few months into marriage? They have already been dating for years and years!
-When we say dating is haraam, doesn’t mean we are promoting BLIND Marriages!!! Islam does NOT promote blind marriages; ie. You should KNOW person you are marrying but under HALAL circumstances, in a HALAL environment.

-Woman needs a wali to get married = FARDH (compulsory)
-Wali needs to be over the age of puberty/able to help/good judgment/good knowledge Deen-wise, etc. etc.

-Matrimonial services = OK with the permission of Wali
-Dating industry = huge in the west
-There should be supervision
-Families should come together

Regarding the Engagement Ring:

JOKE: Marriage requires three rings, one of which is obligatory:
-Wedding Ring
-Engagement Ring
-SuffeRing (obligatory, LOL)

-Most scholars say that wedding/engagement rings are imitating the non-believers/customs.
-Wedding ring is haram according to some scholars.
-Even if you do follow opinion that it’s not haram, you should NOT think the ring is something required in the Deen or that you should do it.

************************************************************************************
Role of the Female Family Members in Marriage:

-Females play major role in marriages culturally
-Human culture: because of disintegration of family members they don’t rely on this process too much anymore
-Many men ask female family members, matrimonial services.

Is it allowed for a man to directly propose to a woman? (Islamically). YES.
(depends on the culture)

Vice versa?

-Islamically OK for woman to propose and select husband too
-Culturally = taboo
-Khadija (ra) proposed to RasulAllah (s)

-Islamically it’s ok for family member to propose on their behalf
(but daughter/son has to agree of course)

-Imam Samarkandee: Tuhfatul Fuqaha: Summarization of Abu Hanifa
-had a beautiful daughter
-religious daughter; memorized book Bada’ee was-samaee
-Sharh Tufatul Fuqaha: Imam Kasani
-Imam Kasani married his daughter
-he loved her so much and passionately
-he was so sad when she died; visited her grave

-Even scholars can love!!!

-It’s allowed in Islam for a woman to propose directly to man
-A woman came directly to the Prophet (s)
-Prophet (s) lowered gaze; didn’t accept; another guy married her
-culturally, this is not acceptable but not haram

LoveNotes: Part 10

Characteristics of Prospective Spouse
FOR BRIDE:

-Go after religion FIRST
-Religious women CAN be beautiful/don’t go after the stereotype.
-Religiousness does not mean ugly/boring
-There’s a lot of emotional constipation in our community!
-Give your daughter to a person who fears Allah, because if he loves her, he will be good to her, honor her, and even if he doesn’t love her, he will not oppress her.
-A true believer should not dislike his wife
-if you hate one thing, you’ll love another

BE BALANCED
Things Desired for Bride:

1) Deen and Character
2) Fertility
3) She is content/marry someone who’ll say “Alhamdulillah”/doesn’t compare standards
4) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: DON’T set specific standard of beauty
5) Reasonable age difference
6) Inexpensive dowry/simple mahr = good

Things Desired for Groom:

1) Deen
2) Character
3) Evident Disobedience = haram
4) He should DEFINITELY pray

*********************************************************************************
-Family planning is permissible in Islam
-If 2 very young Muslims want to get married but can’t financially do this then = OK if parents help out but don’t rely on this.
-Everything in marriage found in Qur’an and Sunnah.

*********************************************************************************

Prospective Spouse:
A. Marrying Relatives

-People think marrying relatives is haram, some think it’s horrible
-You’re allowed to marry your first cousin in 26 states in America
-It’s a cultural matter: no specific recommendation or prohibition
-One of Prophet (s)’s wives = cousin, others not relatives
-Some people think it puts pressure on people if you marry outside the family
-Sometimes people think diseases are more common in relative marriages, but not really true
-Don’t put preconceived notions: put ‘em away!

B. Arranged Marriages

-In Islam, arranged marriages are not haram where family helps out son/daughter to meet people.
-Pre-arranged marriages forcing = haram
-Imam Abu Hanifa: father and grandfather have choice to force if kids before puberty.

FORCING OF MARRIAGE = HARAM according to majority of scholars

Why do people even have arranged marriages?
-Security
-Some don’t want to go out of the way to look for someone
-Some want to bring together different cultures or stay within same one
-Some don’t want wealth/business to go out of the family if they arrange a marriage with a relative

Engagement by Commissioning:

Saying: “I know of so and so, help me find such and such type of person to marry them”
-this is OK with the permission of the people getting married

-Thus, arranged marriages are not promoted or prohibited in the Deen